


Permanent

by simpleandpure22



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 06:54:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5699116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simpleandpure22/pseuds/simpleandpure22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erik doesn’t quite remember where he first heard about it. Maybe from Mats and Marco when he walked past them a few days ago as they were talking about it. Or it can be from Julian, who asked him if he had known. It doesn’t matter, though, does it? What matters is that Jonas is leaving. And Erik is still the last to know, like with the Mainz loan.</p><p>Here we go again. One year later, and nothing has changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Permanent

Erik doesn’t quite remember where he first heard about it. Maybe from Mats and Marco when he walked past them a few days ago as they were talking about it. Or it can be from Julian, who asked him if he had known. It doesn’t matter, though, does it? What matters is that Jonas is leaving. And Erik is still the last to know, like with the Mainz loan.

Here we go again. One year later, and nothing has changed.

It’s not that Erik doesn’t understand why Jonas wants to leave. He has every right to make any decision he thinks is best for his future. He is not the kind of player who should sit on the bench and wait until someone in front of him is unavailable. Of course it will be hard for Erik to see him leave, to realise that they won’t play together again for Dortmund, that he won’t see him every day. But, as a player he knows that Jonas only wants to play.

What’s bothering him is that Jonas doesn’t tell him personally. As though Erik is not important enough to him. Closing his locker, Erik takes a deep breath and strides towards the door before anyone else comes. He’s not really in the mood to socialise. Luckily for him—or unluckily is probably the better word—he only meets a person on the way out. And _of course_ that person has to be Jonas.

“That was quick,” Jonas says. There is a glint in his eyes that is just so… him. “Are you in a hurry or something?”

Forcing a smile, Erik replies, “Just feeling like going home early.”

“Want to grab something to eat?” Jonas asks. “I’ll take a really quick shower. Emphasis on quick,” he adds, with a chuckle.

Erik watches him, can’t bring himself to put up another smile. “Maybe some other time.”

Now it’s Jonas’ turn to look at him. “You know, don’t you?” he asks softly, almost apologetically, the playful façade is gone. They both know what he’s referring to, so Erik nods. For a moment, neither of them says anything. Until finally Jonas breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry you have to find out like this.”

Erik quickly says, “It’s fine. I understand why you want to leave. And I wish you good luck.” He glances at his watch. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you,” Jonas says after a second.

As Erik walks past him, his arm accidentally brushes against Jonas’. It’s just a brief contact, but it’s enough to make Erik’s heart clench. He doesn’t mean as much to Jonas as Jonas means to him. And it hurts to know.

~*~

The next days before Christmas break pass in a flash. Before Erik knows it, they have played the last game against Köln, and then it’s the Christmas dinner party with the team. Things are rather strained between Jonas and him since their talk outside the changing room. Mostly, Erik tries not to be alone with him. There were times when he caught Jonas look at him, but he forced himself to ignore it. It’s better this way, isn’t it? Erik is just protecting his heart from breaking further. Because Jonas doesn’t feel the same way about him.

He never does.

In the party, Erik sits with Matthias, Pascal, and Julian, far away from Jonas. And things are going rather fine… until now.

“Can I talk to you for a second, Erik?” Jonas asks, standing near their table.

Erik wants to say no; this is the last thing he needs. But he doesn’t have the heart to shut him down in front of Julian and Pascal. So, Erik nods and follows Jonas outside the room, and out in the restaurant garden. There’s only one person outside, smoking a cigarette. But he’s done and heads back inside just as Erik and Jonas reach the end of the garden.

“Are you excited to be home for Christmas?” Jonas starts.

“Yeah, of course,” Erik replies curtly. “You must be, too.”

Jonas shrugs and gives him a faint smile. “It will be great to be home.”

“I suppose hearing about my Christmas plans is not why we’re here,” Erik says. He knows he sounds rather harsh, but every minute near Jonas will only make it harder for him to see him leave. He has come to terms with the fact that Jonas won’t return his feelings, and proximity won’t do him any good. “What do you want to talk about?”

Jonas is quiet for a long second before saying, “You’re not fine with this, are you? You’re mad at me for not telling you sooner.”

“Let’s just forget about this, Jonas.”

“No, tell me,” Jonas insists. “Tell me, you’re not fine. Which is why you’ve been avoiding me.” He reaches out and holds Erik’s arm.

That’s it. Erik can’t hold it anymore. He wrenches his arm free and snaps, “You know what? You’re right, I’m not fine. Because you don’t think it’s necessary to tell me personally. Just like that time with the loan. I’m always the fucking last to know.” He pauses to take a deep breath, feeling his face heat up. “Friends don’t do that.”

Jonas doesn’t reply. Probably because everything Erik said is true. “I hope you have a good Christmas,” Erik murmurs before turning on his heel and getting back inside.

~*~

He doesn’t talk to Jonas again since then. On New Year’s Eve after the clock strikes twelve, he gets a text message from Jonas, saying “Happy New Year”. Erik’s eyes are glued to the screen. The familiar ache in his chest is back, just because of those three words. His feeling for Jonas still hasn’t changed, despite everything that has happened. Yeah, not a good way to start a new year.

After contemplating for a long time, Erik finally replies with a ‘Happy New Year’. He waits to see if Jonas will write another message. And after some time, it’s clear that he won’t. Erik places his phone on the table and smiles at his mum who enters the room with a plate of sweets, and his sister right behind her.

He manages to block Jonas out of his mind for the rest of the night. Until the time when he’s back in his room. As he’s lying in his bed, the thoughts are back, inevitably. But Erik is used to it. He also felt like this during the loan. Although that time, there was still hope that Jonas would be back. This time, it’s permanent.

And so is Erik’s feeling for him.

~*~

The first day of training in January feels weird. Even though Erik is fully aware that Jonas is not there anymore, he still impulsively looks for him from time to time, and then inwardly curses himself for being stupid.

Then on Thursday, they’re leaving to Dubai from Düsseldorf airport. And Erik is supposed to know by now that the universe enjoys his pain. Of course the Gladbach players are there, too, because they will be leaving almost at the same time. He doesn’t talk to Jonas; he’s not even sure that Jonas sees him. But just the sight of him in Gladbach’s green jacket is enough to remind Erik once again that Jonas is one of them now. Looking away and striding towards the waiting lounge, Erik is mad at himself for still holding on something that he should let go a long time ago.

The training camp is going pretty well. Erik got a light injury on one of the first days, but it’s nothing serious. Before he realises, they’re going back to Germany. And with that the first match of the year where they will meet Gladbach. Perfect, isn’t it? It’s like everything is conspiring against Erik. He doesn’t need this. He just wants to move on with his life, like Jonas does with his.

A few days before the match against Gladbach, Erik is home after training. It’s almost five o’clock in the afternoon, and he thinks he’ll just cook something simple because he doesn’t feel like going out. Two of his friends, Nico and Tim, are visiting him. They help Erik to cook and after dinner they settle on the sofa to watch basketball on TV.

Everything feels like a routine lately. He wakes up in the morning, going to training, going back home, and back on repeat the next day. So, it’s always good to have a company that will take his mind of things he shouldn’t think of.

Then his phone buzzes off, indicating there’s a message, Erik takes it from the table. His heart skips a beat when he reads the sender’s name. _Jonas._ He hesitates for a second before opening the message. It reads: _I’m in my old flat, collecting some last stuff. Do you mind if I drop by at your place?_

Erik’s gaze lingers on the message for a moment. _No._ He wants to scream no. Jonas doesn’t have the right to mess with his heart again. Not after Erik is trying so fucking hard to fix it. And what does Jonas want from him now? The least he can do is leave Erik in peace.

“What’s wrong?” Tim next to him asks.

Erik quickly turns to him. “Nothing. It’s just—Jonas,” he says tentatively. Nico is now looking at him, too. They both know how close he and Jonas were. Probably they also know that Erik’s feeling for him is more than what a friend should feel, but they never said anything about it.

“He wanted to come here,” Erik continues. “But I’ll just tell him that now is not a good time.”

“It’s okay. We’ve been here long enough anyway,” Nico tells him, glancing at Tim who nods. “Go talk to him.”

Erik shakes his head. “No, guys, you don’t need to leave.”

He wants to say more, but Tim cuts him off, “Really, Erik. Avoiding him now will only make it harder to see him next week.” And before Erik can do anything, both Tim and Nico stand up and pat his shoulder, telling him they will see him soon. In the end, Erik has no choice but walk them to the door.

After they left, Erik takes a deep breath and replies Jonas’ message with a “Fine”, before throwing his phone on the sofa, harder than necessary.

~*~

The moment Erik opens the door and sees Jonas again, he already regrets his decision. _Bad bad idea, Erik._ All the feelings he has tried to keep under control for the last weeks surge back as his gaze roams over Jonas’ face.

“Hey,” Jonas says softly, his eyes never leave Erik’s.

Instead of replying, Erik moves aside so Jonas can come in. The silence that follows feels heavy, as they both walk quietly inside, towards the living room.

“How are you?” Jonas starts as they stand behind the sofa, turning to look at Erik.

Erik crosses his arms in front of his chest and shrugs. “I’m fine. As you can see.”

Jonas gives him a smile. “It’s good that you can play again.” Erik nods, saying nothing. So, Jonas says again, with a sigh, “Is there anything I can do to make you talk to me again?”

That fuels Erik’s anger. Who does Jonas think he is? He has no right to do this; coming and then leaving whenever he feels like it. “Why did you come here, Jonas? To rub on my face that you’re happy in Gladbach?” Erik snaps, can’t hold it anymore. “You don’t care about me. If you did, you wouldn’t leave me in the dark. But what’s new about it?”

Jonas gently shakes his head, about to say something, but Erik doesn’t give him a chance. “I think you better leave.”

“Erik—“

“Leave, Jonas. Now.” Erik’s voice is close to breaking.

For a moment they hold each other’s gaze, before Jonas blinks and walks away. Erik takes a deep breath to calm himself down, and then he walks after Jonas. The brunet is standing near the door, his face unreadable.

Just before Erik reaches for the door handle, Jonas grabs his hand. “Did it ever cross your mind that I couldn’t bring myself to tell you,” he says in a quiet voice, looking at Erik, “because it was too hard?”

Erik doesn’t really get what he’s talking about. But the way Jonas looks at him makes his heart speed up, in the way only he can do. “What do you mean?” Erik asks incredulously.

“Isn’t it obvious, Erik?” Jonas says, beginning to sound impatient. Something flickers in his eyes. “I care about you more than a friend should do. Way more.”

When Erik is still looking at him dumbfoundedly, Jonas walks closer and places a hand on Erik’s face. Erik automatically leans towards his hand. “Way more,” Jonas repeats softly.

They lock gaze for a few long seconds, and as Jonas is about to pull his hand back, Erik holds it, keeping it in place. “So do I,” he murmurs, his heart pounding harder in his chest.

A smile crosses Jonas’ face, and Erik doesn’t know who starts it—nor does he care—but their lips meet and everything else is forgotten. Erik can only feel Jonas’ soft lips against his, his stubble rubbing gently against his skin.

When they pull away for air, Erik presses his forehead on Jonas’. “You feel the same way about me,” he says, mostly to himself. “It’s not just me...”

“No,” Jonas replies in a low voice. Once again brushing his lips on Erik’s. “It’s never just you.”

It will still take a while until Erik fully accepts that Jonas is not a part of the team anymore. And he won’t stop missing him anytime soon. But they can make this work; he is determined to make it work. Jonas’ departure is permanent.

But so is their feeling for each other.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I had to write this.
> 
> I hope you liked it. :)


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